Come on, now. Shame on you for trying to review this movie, Jacob. This movie is indifferent to opinion. This is the king of Shamelessness. With this sequel, Michael Bay has officially established himself as an auteur of bad taste. He is the Bill O'Reilly of filmmakers, a businesssman disguised as an artist, and he is laughing his ass off to the bank.
The idea that there is a race of aliens capable of highly advanced technology that somehow managed to shape themselves in the models of automobiles from a planet they just discovered is...really...fucking...stupid. But who cares? In fact, who cares about the human actors in this movie? I didn't. At all. I only found myself wishing I existed within this universe of Bayhem. Every girl adds a new classification to "hot". There are explosions every minute, and no one ever gets hurt. Entire cities appear to be anything but intact in a matter of seconds. It's a 2 1/2 hour car commercial.
I prematurely guessed before the movie started that there would be close to 50 solid explosions. Forget that: I'm pretty sure there were hundreds. This is why I cannot condemn the movie. It's not a movie; it's ADHD porn. It's smut, no worse or better than buying People magazine. It's a movie that may have been made w/o a script. Don't believe me? Someone came up with a MacGuffin called The Matrix of Leadership. It was at this point that I started thinking about The Power Rangers Show. It's the same level of cheese.
And you know what? I'm rooting for this movie. I'm rooting for it like I root for Michael Bolton. Of course it's bad; no shit. You can walk into a beautifully rendered and well-kempt McDonalds. It doesn't change the fact you're still ordering a Double Quarter Pounder and McFlurry. I hope it makes a shitload of money. It's not taking itself seriously at all; like the Automabotatonalots, this movie is an advanced machine. It's mindless, and like Lady Gaga, soulless. It's here for a good time. It's a two hour, one night stand, which is way more time than most of us can brag about.
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